Spread the stupidity
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
EVER WONDER …
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Precise Mathematics
This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh!t
and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Assorted funny quotes
“ The idea of an office is great. It gives a person a place to escape the miseries of home”. – Milton Berle
“Organised people are just people who are too lazy to look for things”.
“Im very organised, everything is in one big pile”. – Duck and cover
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to have to see you every day”. –Ephemera
“Due to the highly confidential natire of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing”.
“My soul was removed to make way for all this sarcasm”. – duck and cover
“Death is lifes way of telling you you’re fired”. – R. Geis
“I’m ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is ready for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter”. – W. Churchill
“when I was a boy, the dead sea was only sick”. – G. Burns
“ I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face”.- H. Hill
“I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if im not there I carry on as usual”. – Patrick Moore
“my mother is no spring chicken, although she has as many chemicals in her as one”. -Dame Edna
“old people should not eat health foods, they need all the preservatives they can get”. – R. Orben
“youth is a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children”. – G, B. Shaw