Golf and Whisky
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked:
‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I am Scottish and I am a golfer,’ said the old fellow: ‘and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that’s it.’
‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’
‘Who said my Dad died?’
The doctor was amazed.
‘You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. how old is he?’
He is 100 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer. ‘In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor said, ‘that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my Grandad is dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asked, ‘You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?’
‘He is 118 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’
‘No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin’ because he is getting married today.’
At this point the doctor was close tolosing it. ‘Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old Scotsman want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
Three blondes
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said,”Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,”All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. “The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
Murphy
Muphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decides to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he heads off to Paris.
After a satisfactory week of negotiations, he decides to visit a crowded small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sits enjoying himself, a beautiful young Parisian girl comes to his table and asks if she may use the spare chair, as there is nowhere else to sit.
Murphy doesn’t speak a word of French but understands by her gestures, and invites her to join him.
That being the extent of Murphy’s sign language, they soon revert to drawing on a napkin to communicate. He draws a picture of a glass of wine and shows it to her. She nods, so he orders a glass of wine for her. That goes so well that he soon draws a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nods. They leave the bistro and find a quiet cafe that features a small group playing romantic music.
They order dinner, after which he takes another napkin and draws a picture of a couple dancing.
She nods and they get up to dance. They dance until the cafe closes and the band is packing up. Back at their table the young lady takes a napkin and draws a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!
Honest Answer
An Oklahoma Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. “Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?”
The driver replied, ” Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot.”
The officer looked at the driver and asked, “Anything else?”
“Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat.”
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn’t, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver’s face and said “Mr. Smith, you’re carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
“Not a ***king thing!”