If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig. )
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don’t try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home.. What the..?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know..)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
( If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone
(and God love that pig)
Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Far go deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign
Idiot Number Six of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
STAY ALERT! They walk among us… and they REPRODUCE…!!!
‘Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams … If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
’24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.’
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!’
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
‘Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.’
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:
‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries WithThat?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on
A woman from Hobart, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near the Franklin dam, There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Launceston. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, ‘What took you so long?’ He smiled and said, ‘Well, I had to get permits from National Parks and Wildlife.. the National Forestry Agency and Tasmanian Workcover before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I’m sorry, but they turned me down.’