Mental hospital phone menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
But please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
How the government works
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’
Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good, son,tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’
The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Oh, shoot!
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,’ Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m a photographer for Fox Cable News,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . you’re NOT my flight instructor?’
An uplifting story
This letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind.
Dear St Josephs School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park, Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio. Before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to f*ck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
Jet fuel
Dave and Wally were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Los Angeles.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’
Wally says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?’
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Wally.
Wally says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Wally says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’
Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’ ‘What’s that?’
’Have you farted yet?’
’No.’
‘Well, don’t, cause I’m in New York.’